"Amica-bull Divorce"

How often have you heard the expression, “amicable divorce?” Talk about an oxy-moron. Amicable refers to a friendly choice which lacks any antagonism. I want to scream when I hear such comments. When there are children involved in a divorce, it is never amicable for the child. In fact, I have created a new descriptive for this reality: “amica-bull divorce.”

Too many times to number, I have listened to people minimize the abandonment they suffered through divorce. Divorce is epidemic, and the denial about the heart wound of abandonment is stunning. Whenever I hear a person say that he or she had an “amicable divorce,” I’m shocked; believe me, the children of the divorce never felt it was amicable. We are too casual about the incredible pain that comes when spouses/parents separate. It is a terrible wound to be abandoned by someone who should have protected, led, and loved you. To minimize that wound usually leads to the offended spouse’s or child’s burying the hurt.

If you bury the hurt, you’ll bury the hate, because believe it or not, where hurt comes, inevitably hate and anger come also. Have you ever considered the parallel between so many angry children and their parents “amica-bull divorce”?

In a book review in the Wall Street Journal, (The Marriage-Go-Round by Andrew J. Cherlin) I read this caption, “Amid divorce, remarriage and co-habitation, children do not do well.” I have witnessed the reality of this caption for two decades as I have counseled thousands of teens whose parents have been divorced. Too many times I have been heartbroken that the child’s parent was more committed to his or her own personal happiness than working for the good of the family as a whole. Cherlin points out in his book, “Americans celebrate individualism more than people in other Western societies and so believe that they are entitled to make choices that maximize their personal happiness.” Such entitlement has moved divorce into epidemic proportions in the U.S.

As divorce increases, the victimized children increase which only validates again the accuracy of my newly penned phrase, “amica-bull divorce: a divorce which is friendly for the adults but antagonistic for the soul of the abandoned child. I will remain busy counseling and comforting hundreds of teens who need to forgive their parents for choices that too often are so me-centric that they are totally oblivious to the impact on their children. (Disclaimer: I know that sometimes divorce is a necessity for the protection of the children—that is not the divorce that the “amica-bull divorce” is referring to.)

Part of every divorce settlement should be a copy of Free Yourself to Love, for everyone involved in this painful choice. The process of forgiving is a life long journey and it doesn’t end when the divorce is final—it has just begun.

An Easter Basket That Could Save Your Marriage

Spring is busting out all over! Well, maybe not all over, but at least in the grocery story candy aisle. Have you already bought some goodies for your family’s Easter baskets? My family loves the peanut butter and chocolate eggs and, of course, the tiny jelly beans. And what about your spouse? Do you ever make a basket for your husband or wife as well as the kids?

If you are even considering an Easter basket for your spouse, I want to tell you about some goodies you can put in there that will not derail a diet and will only bless and enhance your marriage. Are you interested?

To make an Easter basket that will bless you marriage, here are the necessary goodies. First, purchase a bag of the multi-colored plastic eggs—you will need a dozen. Begin to brainstorm while driving to work or waiting in the line for carpool at your kid’s school. You’ll want to think of six affirming remarks that would cheer the heart of your spouse. If you can’t think of six, don’t hesitate to ask God for help—since marriage is His creation and God is the ultimate inspiration for marriages that last.

As the words of affirmation begin to come to your mind, jot them on slips of paper, and when you have six, you will be ready to open the plastic eggs and place the notes inside. These words of affirmation will “resurrect” a love that may be lying dormant at this moment.

But that is not all your spouse needs—you both need what is going to be written and placed in the last six eggs. I am going to help you with those.

You are going to write six different “proverbs of forgiveness.” (Remember, a proverb is a wise maxim.) Easter is a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus. One of the first issues that Jesus addressed after rising from the dead is embodied in the notes inside these six eggs. What is the issue? Forgiving Freely. Forgiving freely is a critical element in loving your spouse; in fact, it is not an option if we want to stay out of divorce court!

Here are the “Forgiveness Proverbs” to place in each of six different plastic eggs.

1. May we remember: To forgive is a heroic choice, and it is not for the weak but the strong.
2. May we remember: Daily to forgive one another for what we do best—be human—which is often messy.
3. May we remember: Being offended is inevitable, but staying offended is a choice.
4. May we remember: If I go to bed angry with my spouse, I will wake up a little less in love with him/her.
5. May we remember: Being a good forgiver and a good lover are inextricably linked.
6. May we remember: Couples who struggle to forgive each other are the norm, but God freely forgave us in Jesus so that we could freely forgive each other.

So, if you fill up your spouse’s Easter basket with this kind of goodies, the sweet treats of affirmation, and these six “Forgiveness Proverbs,” and feast on them in your heart and mind, your marriage will be blessed long after Easter has passed.

Read more about forgiveness in Jackie's newest book: Free Yourself to Love: The Liberating Power of Forgiveness, www.jackiekendall.com

How To Forgive the Guy Who is Just Not That Into You

The new comedy He’s Just Not That Into You, reminded me of the painful reality of how many women have been hurt by what I call “bozo” guys. I asked a single gal the other day what she thought of the movie, and she said, “Good but painful.” She went on to say, “It was painful to watch women who just don’t get it.” I have been on the war path for years trying to warn single gals about their pursuit of “bozo” guys. Now I realize that I need to teach singles how to forgive the bozo guy who just broke her heart, to forgive the guy who is “just not that into her”—who used up her attention, time and body and then tossed her like a paper cup. This is my new passion with singles.

How do so many wonderful single gals end up hurt by the guy who is just not that into her? The main reason she gets hurt is she breaks the 11th commandment: “Defraud Not Thyself.” Countless women actually lead themselves on through the fantasy that this guy who just chatted so charmingly with them for an hour may actually be interested in pursuing a relationship with them. Consider how often women are angry about a particular guy leading their girlfriend on in a dating relationship. Girls and women alike are angered when a guy defrauds a girl by leading her on—often the result of a guy’s agenda to merely play at love to get sex.

Yet how often do single woman get angry with their girlfriends who helped feed her own fantasy about “Mr. Right?” Defrauding oneself is such a masochistic crime against a woman’s own heart. To defraud one-self is self harm! When a gal meets a wonderful guy, her immediate response needs to be prayer and not text messaging a friend about the “Mr. Right” she thinks she has just met.

Being offended is inevitable as long as you occupy a place on planet earth—but staying offended is a choice.

After realizing the time and energy you have put into a guy who is “just not that into you,” you are likely going to be very disappointed. Inevitably, disappointment is followed by anger or depression. Because you know it is not healthy to stay angry, you will actually give yourself a “gift” when you consider forgiving this guy. The gift is your freedom.

Why forgive the guy who is just not that into you? When I don’t forgive I become a prisoner to the resentment of being defrauded by him. One needs to forgive this guy for doing what he does best—being human. People assume that “time heals all wounds,” but that is actually not true. Without the freeing choice of forgiving that guy, time simply moves the pain below the surface where it will ferment and poison your heart.

The gift of forgiving allows you to let go of hurt and move on with hope, because when you have hope, you are no one’s prisoner! Don’t be the gal who is held hostage to yesterday as she refuses to let go of unwanted hurt and move on to a new chapter. It’s in that forgiving chapter that you have the prospect of a happy ending—the freedom to hope and love again.

Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

People may say that time heals all wounds, but if someone has not done the hard work of forgiveness, time only moves the pain below the surface. So often a person will say, “It hurts too much to feel the pain again.” And my reply is “It hurts more not to feel it.” The insidious crime of rape is not what ultimately kills the soul; it is the shaming silence a woman lives with, often for years, that holds her hostage to the deep offense. Sexual abuse is a soul-deadening crime not only because of the violent, dishonoring physical treatment but also because of the shame that keeps the victim silent.

A dear friend from college sent me some of her counseling notes years ago:

Deal with incest, abuse, etc., in therapy by:

• Allowing the victims to tell their stories.
• Allowing the victims to grieve.
• Helping victims make new decisions—who they are now, etc.
• Helping them have new experiences.

These notes are so simple and yet so profound. If God’s children would just learn to allow the offended to tell their stories and grieve the offenses—there would be far less spiritual illness in the body of Jesus. When pain is buried, it is buried only for a time. When it comes to the surface of one’s life, and it will come to the surface, it often erupts in destructive behavior that could have been prevented if the person had been able to sufficiently grieve the offense, loss, or devastation.

Shakespeare wisely recommended, “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’re-fraught heart and bids it break.”

Time does heal, but time heals only the wounds we allow the light of God to shine on and expose. Time ferments and intensifies wounds that are hidden, but God wants us to come to Him with all this pain. Too often we don’t face our pain because we are too scared. Sometimes we don’t think God will be able to comfort us adequately, but we need to give Him a chance. In truth, He is more than able!

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”(II Cor. 1:3,4)

Excerpt from Free Yourself to Love: The Liberating Power of Forgiveness

Raising Good Forgivers

Are you concerned about your children’s teeth? If you’re like me, you’ve probably been known to harp on your children to brush and floss their teeth. And it’s a good thing to be concerned about! But I am often amazed that parents can be so thorough in teaching their children about dental hygiene yet neglect the ultimate hygiene of the soul. Parents will allow their children to grind their teeth in anger towards a sibling or a teacher or a parent and not get that the soul is actually “cleansed and flossed” when a person learns how to be a good forgiver.

Likewise, we focus on our children doing well in school or in sports to assure them a great future. But here’s a fact: I know hundreds of students who have passed school but have flunked life.

Children who are coached in how to ask forgiveness and how to give forgiveness will be a pleasure to be around their entire lives
Here are a few coaching tips for teaching your child how to be a good forgiver:

1. Let the child articulate the grievance, offense or hurt (ie., being embarrassed by someone in class)
2. Ask the child how it made him/her feel. (You are using this situation for healing and instruction in loving freely—which is forgiving freely.)
3. Ask your child to name a “hero.” Then encourage her or him to do something truly “heroic”—to forgive this person for hurting their feelings.
4. Encourage your child to pray with you—because to pray for the offending person is to overcome evil with good. Pray that God will bless this person and make him more like Jesus. (Rom. 12:21) (Note: You can’t fail when you pray with your child. In fact, the only failure in prayer is to not pray.)
5. Remind your child after praying for the offender that this prayer was a most “heroic” act—to pray blessings on those who hurt you is using the “super power” of Jesus’ in you!

One day our daughter came home crying about how mean her teacher had been the whole week. Apparently there had been several incidents where she had actually screamed at some of the students, including our daughter. I let her continue to share details, so that she could express her difficult feelings, and when she was done I said, “We need to pray for your teacher before you go to sleep tonight.” Our daughter said, “We need to pray for her tonight and when we drive into school tomorrow!”

You see, our daughter was used to the “heroic” choice of forgiving others by praying for them and asking God to bless them—even when they were not acting very loving. We continued to pray for this teacher, and after a week, the teacher actually wrote a letter of apology to every student. Her private world was in chaos, and she was unfortunately taking her pain out on the students.

This incident was not isolated. If I asked my kids, “What do we do with mean teachers?” they would reply, “We pray blessings on them!” “What blessing do you think she needs?” I would ask, and immediately our child would say, “She needs to be nicer.” “OK! Well, being nicer would be a blessing to her and everyone around her.” Then we would pray. Almost inevitably, we witnessed improvement in the disposition of a mean teacher and would rejoice for the obvious answer to prayer.

These tips on forgiving also apply to mean teens. Some teenagers are so mean they emotionally “eat your child for breakfast” when arriving at school. Parents can miss this chance to tutor their teens in the skill of forgiveness through praying for these mean teens. Praying for the kids who hurt kids is a noble and heroic mission; and, in fact, those mean kids themselves are a critical mission field in our kids’ lives.

And remember, as parents, we need to practice these things as much as our children. Being offended is inevitable but staying offended is a choice. A healthy family is a place where failure is not fatal, and where forgiveness is given as freely as hugs and kisses.

Are You Mad at Bernie Madoff?

As I read details of the impact of Bernie Madoff’s investment scam, I can’t help for a moment but be “mad at Madoff.” Reading some of the details of the 13,000 victims of maybe the largest investment scam ever, I find myself imagining a vicious plan of vengeance—and I wasn’t even one of his clients! Madoff’s pride and greed allowed him to cause the hemorrhaging not only of people’s life savings but also their souls.

This heinous Ponzi scam requires more than a mere modicum of justice; but until that happens, what are the victims to do with the rage and anger that keeps their souls hemorrhaging? The answer may seem as audacious as the crime, but the victims will never have internal peace unless they commit an audaciously heroic act.

To stop the soul hemorrhaging, one must forgive: divorce oneself emotionally from the “house arrest” of anger and rage.

Now, forgiving—letting it go, sending it away emotionally—such a choice does not get Madoff off the hook, but what it does accomplish is to take the victim off the hook of perpetual resentment and rage. Forgiving allows us to amend our own stories. It releases us from the sentence of victimization in the prison of revenge fantasies, strangled by the noose of anger. Vengeance merely offers short-lived satisfaction, yet saddles us with a long-term burden. If I take God’s role into my own hands, the role of exacting vengeance, the burden is more staggering than the desire to be avenged is satisfied!

Among the victims of Madoff’s scam, is a hero of mine, Elie Wiesel, survivor of the Holocaust and a Nobel Peace Prize recipient. I have admired him for years, precisely because this survivor of the Nazi death camps has learned to forgive—a genuinely heroic deed. He, like Mahatma Gandhi did, understands that forgiving is not for the weak but for the strong.

When asked about his foundation losing almost all its assets in Madoff’s scam, Wiesel said, “All my life has been about learning and teaching and building on ruins. I don’t want to be known as one of his victims. I want my name linked to peace and literature and human rights.” Elie Wiesel understands that one cannot build among the ruins of shattered dreams until one understands the liberating power of forgiveness. A person ceases to be a victim, hemorrhaging from the very soul, when one divorces, releases oneself from focusing on the offender. Such actions end the victimization—whether by a Nazi death camp or Madoff’s heinous scam.

Bernard Madoff is presently under house arrest, but, in fact, all the victims and any others who still seethe with anger are under house arrest themselves, emotional house arrest. If they go to bed, day after day, still “mad at Madoff,” they wake up with their souls still held captive to Madoff. The victims of this horrible investment scam will need to make an investment in their soul’s release from the inevitable bitterness. Isn’t it enough, the agony that his pride and greed has caused? Don’t live one more day controlled by him by focusing on him. Don’t rent any more space in your soul for a Mad at Madoff Club!

Take the first step, choose to release Madoff to the sentencing that is beyond what the courts of the land can do: Release him to the One who keeps perfect records of those who think they can harm others and escape judgment. Remove the anklet of your own house arrest—refuse one more day being “mad at Madoff.”

(Quote by Elie Wiesel—USA Today, Feb. 17, 2009, Article Wiesel Again Rebuilds on Ruins by Bob Minzesheimer)

A Valentine from Momma Moses!

I am sending you a “belated Valentine” to strengthen your heart of faith. Recently I have been inspired by a principle that Moses Momma knew and I want to pass it along to you. Every time I share it with someone, I notice the impact and I couldn’t wait to share it with you. Jochebed (Moses Momma) was not wonder woman but a woman of such faith that she make it into God’s Hall of Faith (Heb. 11:23). She displayed such amazing faith in her exercising The Momma Moses Principle. What is this principle? It is the principle that allowed a momma (Jochebed) to make a little ark for her beautiful three month old son and place him in this ark and set him afloat on the Nile River. Now Ken and I have been to Egypt and we have stayed on the Nile River and it is not a “stream” but a big river and Moses Momma set her baby in an “ark basket” and set him in this big body of water.

Now the “The Momma Moses Principle” is when a person does everything they can and then by faith release the outcome to God. For Jochebed the Momma Moses principle kicked in when Pharaoh issued an edict to kill all Hebrew baby boys. So Moses Momma hid her beautiful son for three months. When Jochebed could hide him no longer she made a choice to do all she could: build an ark and set her son on a journey of faith. Jochebed placed her little baby in the ark she built and set him on the Nile--without any guarantee. She had no idea about the outcome: rescued by a princess, eaten by a crocodile or capsized by a rough current. Jochebed did all she could do and then released by faith the outcome to God. In fact, Jochebed gave Moses up to God TWICE: first in the floating ark and then to the arms of a princess.

The Momma Moses Principle allows you and I to do our best in this New Year and trust God with the results. Daily you and I can do our best as spouses, parents, friends, employees and then trust God with the outcome. With all our efforts of holy sweat, we need to keep in mind that the only guarantee is the grace to trust God when the “ark is rocking and ready to capsize.” (I gleaned this principle from Jan Silvious new book Smart Girls Think Twice.)